Cooked and Slightly Cracked. - Saving the Vorwuls since 3289 — LiveJournal a cage!
Cooked and Slightly Cracked.
Title: Cooked and Slightly Cracked.
Rating: PG
Word Count:2750
Summary:Two bros and and their baby egglets.
Notes: Written for hc_bingo, for the prompt accidental mating for life.

I saw this prompt and thought, aliens, as you do. Thank you to [personal profile] kopperblaze who encouraged this insanity, and x_dark_siren_x for beta reading.

The stupid thing is, it was never supposed to be any kind of a secret.

There’s no reason it should be. It’s just part of their physical make-up, like Gerard’s birthmark and Mikey’s knock-knees, something about them that doesn’t need to be hidden.

Except, somehow, for some reason, Gerard isn’t even sure why, he’s never actually came out and said, ‘Yeah, me and Mikey, we’re alien brothers who accidentally mated for life.’

Which has led to the situation right now, where Mikey’s tackled Ray to the floor and Gerard’s clutching an egglet to his chest, his stomach so knotted it feels like he’s swallowed a brick -- or is about to lay again, which, jesus christ, Gerard hopes not, because once was enough.

“Mikey.” Slowly, Ray turns his head, looking at Mikey through a faceful of hair. “The fuck?”

Absently, Mikey pats Ray’s shoulder, but makes no attempt to actually move as he looks over at Gerard, one eyebrow raised in a pointed, what the fuck now?

And the problem is, Gerard doesn’t know what to say. How to even start a conversation that would start a lifetime before and end with Ray about to eat Mikey and Gerard’s tiny offspring.

At a loss, Gerard rubs his thumb over the hard shell of egglet three, calming a little when he feels the resulting pulse of heat from inside. Warmth flowing through his body, Gerard takes a deep breath, looks up and says, “Mikey was saving our egglets.”

“Okay,” Ray says slowly, wiggling a little until Mikey takes the hint and slides to the side, frowning when he lands in a puddle of oil. “If you wanted to eat the eggs you could have just said, I’d have had cereal instead.”

Instantly, Gerard feels cold, egglet three responding with a distressed mental squeak. Snapping his mouth shut Gerard reminds himself that Ray doesn’t know, and that if he did no way would he suggest Gerard eat his own offspring.

“Not eggs, egglets,” Mikey says calmly, his gaze flicking towards Gerard as he adds, “Our egglets. Mine and Gerard’s.”

Ray pushes himself up, pulling the spatula free from where its been jabbed into his belly. Rubbing the red line he schools his expression, hiding the hurt. “Okay, fine. We usually share but....”

“It’s not that,” Gerard says, cutting Ray off. “If you want eggs I’ll buy you eggs. As many eggs as you want, but these aren’t eggs. They’re egglets.”

“Is this one of those projects,” Ray says, his brow creased as he looks from Gerard’s face down to the egglet he’s still clutching. “Like, a flour baby thing? Because if so you need to look after them better.”

For a moment Gerard considers running with Ray’s question. A few earnest comments about meetings and taking responsibility for others while enriching his own life and Gerard won’t have to admit anything at all.

Except, he knows that it’s time. Well past time if he’s honest.

“It’s not a project,” Gerard says, taking a last look at Mikey before holding out egglet three. “Ray. Meet egglet three. Mine and Mikey’s offspring.”


“So you’re telling me that you and Mikey accidentally mated when you were kids,” Frank says inching his hands closer to the egglets, which, right now, are in the middle of the table, nestled on one of Mikey’s old hoodies. “And that means you’re mated for life?”

“We didn’t mean to,” Gerard protests, because really, when he imagined finally telling everything about his situation, he expected disbelief about his family being aliens, and not the fact that Gerard mated with Mikey. Especially when it was so clearly an accident.

His expression blank, Bob says, “You’re telling us you slipped and fell on his dick?”

“Mikey could have fallen on Gerard’s dick, we don’t know who’s the mom,” Frank puts in, sounding thoughtful as he adds, “That is if you mate that way.” Turning slightly, Frank cranes his neck, trying to see Mikey’s crotch under the table. “Is that what the whole thing with Wentz was about? No gay below the waist because he knew you had no dick below the waist?”

“You know I’ve got a dick, dick,” Mikey says, elbowing Frank hard in the side. “And I’m not the mom.”

“So you knocked your big brother up,” Bob says, and this time Gerard’s sure he sees the hint of a smile, because Bob’s a piss-taking bastard. “You should have told us, we’d have thrown him a shower.”

Frank grins wide. “We still can. Some soda and chips, a few games, next time we stop I’ll pick up some egg cozies for the kids.”

“We’re missing the point here,” Ray says, holding up his hand for quiet. “This accidental mating for life thing. The fuck?”

Gerard sighs, and resists the urge to beat his head against the nearest hard object. “I told you. We didn’t mean to. I was in my imprinting period and it just happened.”

Ray stares, says, “You just happened to swallow some of Mikey’s sperm.”

Said like that it sounds insane, or sleazy, and to Gerard it’s neither. “He was sleeping on my bed and thought I was sleeping. He jerked off and fell asleep without cleaning up and I got jizz on my hand and then licked it off. It happens all the time.”

“To you maybe,” Ray says, his eyes wide and Gerard hates him. The same way he hates Frank who’s not even attempting to hide his laughter and hates Bob who’s eyeing the egglets in an disturbingly intense way.

“So,” Bob says slowly. “You laid eggs out of your ass.”

Gerard shifts in his seat and glares, “I’m not a fucking chicken.”

“No he’s not,” Mikey agrees, his mouth twitching as he says, “But he squawked a lot getting them out.”

“Just wait until it’s your turn,” Gerard threatens, memories hitting hard and his ass clenching tight.

“Mikey’s going to lay eggs, too?” Ray says, his pitch climbing with each word. “The bus isn’t equipped for carrying eggs like that. What if they roll off the counter and smash? Fuck, I nearly ate them today.” Pale, Ray swallows and places his hand over Gerard’s as he adds faintly, “I nearly ate your babies.”

“But you didn’t.” Gerard can afford to be magnanimous now the initial danger is past, and really, it’s not Ray’s fault he can’t spot an egglet at first glance. “And they’re not babies.”

Bob draws in a deep breath and then lets it out slowly. “You said you were aliens, you said these were your babies. If this has been some kind of joke....”

Instinctively, Gerard reacts, pulling the egglets and hoodie toward him, keeping the bundle close to his chest.

“It’s not a joke,” Mikey says, his eyes gleaming and voice a low growl as he scoots along the bench seat so he’s sitting even closer to Gerard. “But they’re not babies, they’re egglets.”

“They’re not going to hatch into tiny versions of you and Mikey?” Frank asks. He sounds disappointed, and Gerard doesn’t get that, because surely Frank couldn’t expect to see tiny Way hatchlings? Just the thought is insane.

“They hatch into blobs,” Mikey says, and at Gerard’s look he shrugs his free shoulder. “Well they do, you looked like a blob of Slimer’s snot when you first hatched.”

Ray stares, looking pained. “To recap. You two are aliens who accidentally mated for life, which means despite being brothers you have a biological urge to mate which leads to laying eggs and slime babies.”

Gerard considers what Ray’s said, and really, it pretty much sums it up, except, “It’s not a biological urge. I mean, it is sometimes, when the mating cycle hits, that’s fucking brutal, but the rest of the time not so much.”

“Well I can’t say I’m surprised, you’re both freaky fuckers.” Frank leans forward, his chest against the table as he looks at the egglets, then abruptly straightens and says, “Hey, does that mean Donna’s not your mom?”

“Of course she’s our mom, she brought us up,” Gerard says, the headache that’s starting to take hold flaring bright. “But we got laid by Dad first.”

Ray makes a sound, something sharp and drawn out, like something is dying inside of his chest. “In terms of sentences I never want to hear again, that’s just shot to number one. I’ll never be able to look Don in the face again.”

Gerard would be offended, because the laying process is a beautiful thing, except, he doesn’t like to think of his dad laying either, especially as, right now, Gerard still can’t sit down without wincing. Trying to sooth he says, “You’ll forget the mental image, I did.”

Ray visibly flinches, his hands out as if he’s trying to push back Gerard’s words. “I didn’t have a mental image until you said that.”

“I did,” Bob says, and from the look in his eyes, how he’s barely hiding his amusement, Gerard knows he’s not going to like what Bob says next. “But about Gerard and those eggs. Those had to sting coming out.”

“Are you kidding?” Frank reaches out, the tip of his finger hovering over egglet number two. “He’s taken things bigger than these. He’d have popped them out in seconds.”

“I wish,” Gerard mutters, because while Frank’s got a point, the actual passing of the egglets is only a tiny part of the process. Despite being assured by his dad the memories will fade, Gerard still vividly remembers every ache and sharp pain as internally, he changed.

“So you and Mikey are parents,” Ray says, cutting into the conversation. “Two dads to five blobs.”

“Eventually,” Gerard says, reaching down and entwining his fingers with Mikey’s, holding on as against his chest, the egglets radiate warmth outwards. “Our offspring.”

Bob waits a moment then says, “Next stop we’ll buy them a box. It’ll be safer.”

Frank nods. “We can keep it in the spare bunk.”

“I’ll rig up some spare packing tapes to keep it secure,” Ray says, pulling out his phone and making a note. “I’ll get some from the techs.”

And okay, maybe Gerard doesn’t hate them at all.


The crazy gift thing aside -- seriously, Gerard does not need to read What to Expect When You’re Expecting, and the blow up ring is both needed and insulting -- waiting for the egglets to hatch is just fine.

Gerard keeps living his life and all the time he’s aware of his offspring, a constant bond that seems to be lodged deep in his chest. Even apart it’s like they’re part of him always, a connection that only gets stronger as Gerard gets back on the bus and heads for the bunks.

Safe in a shallow box, the egglets are barely visible where they’re nestled in Mikey’s hoodie with Gerard’s t-shirt creating the sides of the nest. Sitting, Gerard brushes his finger over egglet number four and says, “Hi.”

“How are they doing?” Mikey asks. Crowding inside of the bunk, he twists so he can gently run his fingers over each egglet in turn. It’s a casual action, but one that shows everything, and no matter the past outrage over their mating, Gerard knows what they have can’t be wrong -- it can’t be when things feel so right.

“They’re going to hatch soon.” Gerard isn’t sure how he knows, he just does, and already the inevitability of losing them makes his heart ache. “We need to phone mom.”

Mikey touches his fingertips against Gerard’s, and simply says, “Yeah.”


The egglets start hatching the next day.

Sweat-soaked and his ears ringing from the screams of the fans, Gerard hurries onto the bus, never stopping moving until he’s sitting inside of the bunk. His heart thundering, he looks into the box, his throat tight when he sees egglet four split open, but nothing moving inside.

“No,” Gerard says, his voice broken as he repeats, “No, no, no,” because even though Gerard knows this could happen, that most offspring don’t survive their first hatching, it can’t happen now. It can’t.

“Gerard?”” Mikey’s eyes are wide, his eyeliner smeared like he’s rubbed his hand over his face. “Gerard....”

“Four’s not moving.” Cold, Gerard shivers as tries to think what to do, picking through half remembered biology lessons and family stories passed down through time. They all come back to one thing -- the hard facts are, most egglets simply don’t survive.

It’s just how things are, but knowing that doesn’t help, Gerard’s breath hitching as he cups his hand over egglet four and says a silent goodbye.

“Have they hatched yet? Are your slimy offspring on show?” Frank yells, his laughter fading when he crowds behind Gerard and looks into the bunk, his whole body pressed against Gerard’s. “Is it okay?”

It’s Mikey who replies, swallowing before he says blankly, “It's gone.”

“Well do something,” Frank says, his hands clenched into fists. “Do some alien mojo shit. Bring it back.”

Gerard shakes his head, knowing it’s too late. He can feel it, that part of him that belonged to egglet four a dark empty space amongst the love of the others.

“The rest are okay, though?” Bob asks, stepping over Gerard’s legs so he can kneel next to the bunk, one hand on Mikey’s knee as he looks in the box. “They’re still alive?”

“They’re moving a little, that’s a good sign right?” Ray says, fitting himself into the small gap between Gerard and Bob.

“They’re alive,” Mikey says, and looks directly at Gerard. “And they’re going to stay that way.”

What Gerard should say is they don’t know that. That statistically the odds are they’ll be left with one offspring. What Gerard does is look at his friends, his family, an unbroken circle of love and support. It’s why he can take a leap of faith and say, “Yeah. Yeah they are.


“I can’t believe that they’re going.” Carefully, Frank holds out his hand, laughing when the small green blob circles his palm. “And that they’ll grow into Ways.”

“Not for a long time,” Gerard says, trying not to laugh as three oozes up his arm, leaving a glistening trail behind in its wake. “They’ll hang out at home first. Mom’s cleaned out our old fish tank.”

Bob looks up, a tiny ball of pureed meat held between two fingers. “You were grown in a fish tank? That explains a lot.”

“It’s the perfect environment for offspring,” though when Gerard thinks about it there may be issues with space, four a much bigger number than one. “They’ve never looked after multiples before.”

Instantly, Frank says, “They could stay here with us. There's room for a tank.”

Gerard can’t say he’s not tempted, but loving something sometimes means letting them go, and he knows the place for offspring isn’t on tour. “They need to go home.”

“But we can visit, right?” Ray asks, never looking away as Bob continues to feed number one. “They’re not going to be beamed into space?”

Gerard stares, because really, sometimes he doesn’t understand Ray in the slightest. “I haven’t been to space. Or Mikey. Why should they go?”

“Because they’re aliens,” Ray says, and at Gerard’s look sighs and adds, “Sure, it’s normal that you have mating cycles and lay eggs and have sex with your brother but beaming into space is insane.”

“We wouldn’t be able to breathe in space, and would die within seconds,” Mikey says, appearing from the front of the bus. “We’re five minutes from the gas station.”

Gerard can’t believe it’s so soon. It feels like only minutes have passed since he gently scooped up his offspring, keeping them close to his chest all through that first night.

Now they’re about to go home, and already Gerard can feel his heart breaking.

“See you soon, slimeball.” Carefully, Frank passes two over to Mikey, patting Mikey’s shoulder before heading to the back of the bus. Within seconds Ray and Bob follow, leaving MIkey and Gerard with two offspring each.

Their offspring, the result of something that’s supposed to be forbidden.

Mikey sits next to Gerard, his head on his shoulder and says, “We’ll visit them all the time.”

“Every holiday,” Gerard agrees, and between tours and days when they’re close enough to visit just because. They’ll be there whenever they can. Not just two brothers now, but also two dads.

Warmth flooding his body, Gerard sits with his family and waits.

Also posted at Dreamwidth. Reply where you wish.

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19 mutant blasts or blast me
dr_jasley From: dr_jasley Date: June 16th, 2012 04:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
Terri, I don't have words for it bad form to say I laughed and smiled through all of this????

That does not mean I didn't thoroughly enjoy it, because I did. So much tiny detail in only 2ishk...BRAVA

also interesting take on alienness and the prompt :):):):):)
turps33 From: turps33 Date: June 16th, 2012 04:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
It's not bad form at all because I'm well aware of how ridiculous it is *g*

I'm not sure why I immediately thought aliens when looking at the prompts. But it took hold and wouldn't let go. Damn those egglets!

Thank you ♥

dr_jasley From: dr_jasley Date: June 16th, 2012 04:53 pm (UTC) (Link)
But ridic can be good :):):):)

dude, I'm glad you saw the prompt and went in the direction you did <3<3<3<3

Once I finish editing I have a bingo fill to finish and post(it's already at 500 words...might get to 1k*I hope*)
turps33 From: turps33 Date: June 16th, 2012 05:00 pm (UTC) (Link)

What prompt did you decide to go for in the end?
dr_jasley From: dr_jasley Date: June 16th, 2012 05:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
It's a surprise????????????????????????????????????????
kopperblaze From: kopperblaze Date: June 16th, 2012 05:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
you already know i love this to pieces :D the ways are so perfect and ray wanting to EAT the egglets. all the loving details in it. it's perfect!

turps33 From: turps33 Date: June 17th, 2012 05:18 am (UTC) (Link)
You are the best cheerleader ever.

Thank you! ♥
(Deleted comment)
turps33 From: turps33 Date: June 17th, 2012 05:19 am (UTC) (Link)
This story really is ridiculous, and I had a lot of fun writing it. I'm glad the humour came through :D

Thank you! ♥
romanticalgirl From: romanticalgirl Date: June 16th, 2012 09:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
This is so great. I'm picturing Bob serving the little blobby globs little bits of pressed meat and the little globs just being all :O :O :O :O Little globs are HUNGRY.

turps33 From: turps33 Date: June 17th, 2012 05:20 am (UTC) (Link)
They are hungry! They need to eat all the food and grow into actual Ways!

\o/ Thank you ♥

(Deleted comment)
turps33 From: turps33 Date: June 17th, 2012 05:22 am (UTC) (Link)
Ahahahaha, I know. When I was getting it ready to post I kept laughing at myself that I really was posting alien incest with ass babies. But you know, I just went with it *g*

Oh man, I love your comment so much, for seeing that crack premise aside, there was actual reason going on, especially the numbering ♥

Also, as long as the era fits there'll always be Bob in my stories.
reading_roach From: reading_roach Date: June 17th, 2012 08:00 pm (UTC) (Link)
oh my god
this is fantastic
slime ball babies!
I think it deserves a sequel when the slimeballs turn into human shape or whatever happens. Please!!
Bob feeding the slime ball baby is precious.
Also: some of Mikey's sperm getting on Gee's hand and him happening to lick it? I died laughing
great job, it was like a serious but not serious fic, I like that
turps33 From: turps33 Date: June 21st, 2012 05:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

I've been trying to imagine the Way bros bringing up the four slime balls as they form into human shape and just keep laughing. It would be chaos.

You give great comments. Just saying ♥
monkey_pie From: monkey_pie Date: June 20th, 2012 04:21 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh man, this was ridic. Because of course you lick your bro's jizz off your hand - who wouldn't do that? I love fics where the Way bros are aliens, it always makes so much sense to me. And those egglets are precious.
turps33 From: turps33 Date: June 20th, 2012 07:24 am (UTC) (Link)
Gerard does not understand the big deal about licking his brother's jizz off his hand. Everyone does it! *g*

The Way bros as aliens does make sense, they're made for the role, really.

Thank you!
greedy_dancer From: greedy_dancer Date: June 23rd, 2012 03:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
turps33 From: turps33 Date: June 26th, 2012 03:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
creepylicious From: creepylicious Date: July 9th, 2012 10:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
this is mpreg that you disguised as something else...I am not sure I am mad ;)
ah, ways being dads to alienbabies, of course, of course. we should talk about their childhood in the tank. how has that been, I wonder?
also: “Because they’re aliens,” Ray says, and at Gerard’s look sighs and adds, “Sure, it’s normal that you have mating cycles and lay eggs and have sex with your brother but beaming into space is insane.” all the love.
turps33 From: turps33 Date: July 10th, 2012 06:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
Ahahahahaha, you're right. It is disguised mpreg.

I like to imagine toddler Gerard who'd be human formed by then, staring in at tiny green blob Mikey. Probably getting him out of the tank to feed him his minced meat :D

Thank you!
19 mutant blasts or blast me